Am I Codependent?
Codependency is a bit of a psychobabble buzz word - but what does it mean to be codependent? Codependency describes a set of traits and features of unhealthy dependence on another for one’s emotional well being. This term is often used within the realm of addiction, but codependency can surface in other relationships as well.
Ultimately, people who struggle with codependency will not feel okay unless others are okay. There is a blurred line between one’s own thoughts, emotions, and needs and the thoughts, emotions or needs of another person. This may be accompanied by care-taking for others, controlling behaviors, overlooking poor behaviors, and low self-esteem.
Some Common Codependent Traits:
Enabling behaviors
Making excuses for poor behaviors in others
Prize others’ approval more than valuing self
Care taking or feeling overly responsible for others
Difficulty identifying own emotions & needs
May be controlling of others’ behaviors
Fear of losing relationships
Express anger passive aggressively
Have low self-esteem & self-worth (or exports this to others)
Hard time setting healthy boundaries
Very loyal, even in the face of destructive behaviors
Overcoming Codependency
Checking some of the boxes above? Codependent traits exist on a spectrum, you may resonate with some traits but not others. How do you learn healthier ways of relating?
Get Educated
Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency are gold standard, easy to read books about unlearning codependent traits & replacing with healthier behaviors.
Self-Care
People struggling with codependency can lose themselves in their relationships. Carve out time every week to nourish yourself emotionally, physically, spiritually, and socially. Invest in healthy friendships outside of your primary relationship.
Keep Practicing
It takes time to develop new reactions and behaviors. Try, fail, and try again. Practice setting boundaries. Practice stepping back and releasing responsibility for others in your life. Practice saying no. Practice getting feedback from others.
Get Support
There are many free, peer led support groups like CODA for those trying to get ahold on codependency. Finding a therapist can be helpful to gain feedback (as there is typically no cross talk in 12 step groups) around difficult relationships, boundary setting, and the deeper work.
If you want help moving from codependent to healthy interdependence, reach out to set up your free 15 minute consultation for counseling and therapy in Dublin, CA today. Also serving counseling clients throughout the greater east bay area and online telehealth therapy for California residents. Let’s see how we can reclaim joy together.