The Importance of Good Goodbyes

I’ve been in a transition season, which means I’ve been saying a lot of “goodbye” and “see you later” to many people in my life. As I navigate these closing moments, I’m reminded of two things: first, goodbyes are hard (and we don’t like them), and second, good goodbyes are very important. Sometimes we are tempted to cut and run, avoiding the emotions that come with saying goodbye. Sometimes we stay in denial about the impending goodbye and stuff our feelings.

I’m finding that healthy goodbyes come in waves. Some days are joyful, some days are painful, some days it’s a mixture of both, and some days we don’t feel anything at all. When we say goodbye to people we love and are important to us, the goodbye may contain a mixture of anticipation and joy for one person, and grief and loss for the other. Both can be valid. This means holding complicated and sometimes opposing feelings simultaneously. Goodbyes can be fully of bittersweet, happy and sad, joy and grief. These feelings can be difficult to feel at the same time, often one feeling may feel louder than the other or we are tempted to drown one out because the other is more comfortable to feel. It can be important to talk through what feelings come up at different stages of the goodbye. We often stuff our feelings until we arrive at the “I’m so happy for you!” stage, but we neglect voicing the other feelings that surface along the way.

As I say goodbyes, I’m finding that healthy goodbyes often include honoring and voicing what that person means to you. Too often we wait until it is too late to share with others what they mean to us, how they have changed our lives, what we appreciate in them, and speaking life into them. The beauty of goodbye and see you later is that it provides a natural opportunity to reflect, to honor the relationship, and to name the ways in which you care for and have been impacted by that person. The willingness to be vulnerable in this way can feel scary, and it can be very impactful.

After a few weeks of intentional & reflective goodbyes, I find myself feeling all the more grateful for the blessings of relationships. We are wired for community, we need each other. I am profoundly grateful that there are many connections in life that make goodbyes difficult. And I’m reminded that these connections are so are worth doing the hard work of a good goodbye.

Escaping the Drama Triangle

Last week’s blog focused on the frustrating dynamic of Karpman’s Drama Triangle - the dance between the victim, persecutor, and rescuer. It’s a dance we may be all too familiar with and one that can happen subtly. But once we recognize it, how do we step out of it?

Like I mentioned previously, each of the three roles needs someone to fulfill one of the other roles in order for the dance to continue. So a huge part of stepping out of the drama is to become aware of which roles you play. These roles are often learned early on in our families but can become fluid in relationships. For example, if you notice you have a tendency to rescue, intentionally work toward expanding awareness of how, when, and where you tend to rescue others.

Once you have cultivated some awareness of your role, the next step is to stick to your side of the fence. Sticking to your side of the fence means using I-statements like “I’m feeling ____” or “I’m noticing ____.” At the core, all of the roles focus on the other person rather than yourself, essentially blame shifting and giving power away in three unique manifestations. By choosing to stick to your feelings, experiences & responsibilities only, you are practicing being accountable for your feelings and actions and allowing others to do the same.

Finally, expect the drama to continue for a little while. When you step out of the drama, the other person will likely still play their role for a bit, but abstaining from your role cuts off the fuel to the fire. Relationships are like baby mobiles, changing up one role disrupts the whole system, and often the system is eager to get back to the familiar status quo. It will take practice over time to notice the role, learn to step out of it, and allow your relationships to adjust accordingly. Like practicing any new skill, this often doesn’t happen seamlessly at first. Over time, I hope you will find more peace and clarity in yourself.

The Drama Triangle

Ever reflect back on an argument with a loved one and wonder what the heck you were actually arguing about? Somewhere the conversation must have derailed. In any conversation there are two important elements at play -- the actual content of the conversation and the emotional subtext below the content of the conversation. When arguments derail, it’s often because we are getting stuck in the content without paying attention to the emotional process underneath. This leads to feeling frustrated, misunderstood, and feeling unresolved.

The Drama Triangle is a helpful way to recognize when your conversation has jumped on the crazy train. The Drama Triangle (or Karpman Triangle) was developed by Stephen Karpman as a way to understand the social dynamics and roles played out in dysfunction. He describes the following 3 roles:

The Victim is characterized by learned helplessness (“woe is me!”), feeling ashamed & powerless, difficulty making decisions, and negative view of self. Victim behaviors are often intended to prompt the other person to either affirm their helplessness or rescue them, reinforcing the victim’s neediness.

The Persecutor takes an aggressive, prosecutorial, blaming approach. This role is characterized by a superior “I’m better than you” attitude that belittles and criticizes the other person.

The Rescuer is just as it sounds, the role of taking power over another person by rescuing them, being in charge, and being morally or emotionally superior to others. This is a classic fixer or helper role that can enable helpless behavior of the victim to continue and can aid the rescuer in avoiding their own issues by focusing on helping others.

Each of these three roles needs someone to fulfill another aspect of the drama triangle to continue - i.e. the rescuer needs a victim, the victim needs a persecutor or rescuer, and the persecutor needs a victim. It’s not uncommon to shift roles within the span of a conflict, for example the rescuer being tired of fixing and becoming the persecutor, or the victim and persecutor flip flopping roles. And the drama continues.

In dysfunctional conflict we tend to favor one role over the others. What role do you resonate with? In a future blog we’ll talk about how to step out of the drama triangle and into healthy interactions.

Investing in Your Marriage

Marital research guru John Gottman is the author of the popular book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. As the title suggests, Gottman identifies principles that healthy marriages embody. One of those principles is the idea of turning toward rather than turning away from your partner.

Every day in relationships we make small bids - bids for attention (“Oof, what a day…”), bids for connection (“Want to play a game tonight?”), bids for affection (reaching to hold hands), bids for humor (making a joke or laughing at something funny you see), etc. These moments are small and routine, but the responses are important building blocks for relationships. Turning towards looks like responding or accepting those bids from your partner. For example if your partner laughs at something they’ve just seen, turning toward may look like sharing in that joy and asking “What’s so funny?” Turning towards a bid for attention may be responding to a long sigh or other non-verbals, “You seem stressed, want to talk about it?” Gottman argues that these small moments are much more important for the relationship than the occasional extravagant trips and gifts.

Gottman likens the idea of turning toward to an emotional bank account shared between you and your partner. For each moment you turn toward one another, you make a small deposit into the emotional bank account. For each moment you turn away, ignoring the bids for connection, you make a small withdrawal. The more deposits you make by turning toward, the more emotional capital you have in your savings, strengthening your relationship for when crises and challenges come in the future. If a crisis arises and there isn’t enough relational capital saved up, the relationship can feel bankrupt by challenges.

How can you invest in your relationship today?

Secondary Gains


Ever feel stuck and frustrated in a situation you want to change, but nothing seems to work? Sometimes this happens when we know the things we are “supposed” to do for self-care, mental health, or to find healing, but repeatedly find ourselves not doing those things. We suffer with the status quo, yet do nothing to change it. Other times this may happen in relationships, feeling the crazy making cycles repeating over and over, like a merry go round we want to get off of but can’t seem to find the exit.

When you feel stuck & frustrated, it’s a good opportunity to reflect on possible secondary gains. A secondary gain is a backdoor benefit that you receive from keeping the status quo. For example, a child that repeatedly gets in trouble may feel frustrated about constantly being punished, but not do anything to change her behavior. There may be an unconscious benefit of attention, even negative attention, that she receives from acting out. Perhaps a part of her is worried that if she stops acting out, she’ll stop getting attention. Sometimes the same happens in order to preserve relational dynamics. A child may act out in the family so the parents have to join together, unconsciously the child is preserving the marriage connection by providing a problem for the parents to solve.

As adults, we do similar things unconsciously. Perhaps someone stays just unwell enough to get the care and attention from others in their life. Some put up with behaviors in relationships that stand against values because of feeling terrified of being alone. Others fear succeeding for how that may impact relationships or change their life. Coming to terms with potential secondary gains can be difficult, but also provide the freedom to work through dormant fears that may be keeping you back from truly thriving. Identifying secondary gains may open the door to deeper self-awareness and the ability to write a new story.

If you’re feeling stuck, here are some helpful questions to think through. How may I be benefitting from keeping things the same? How would getting better impact my relationships for better or worse? Is there any part of me that is afraid of the change that could occur if I got well/this situation changed? What does that part of me need in order to move forward?

I'm Expanding to Oakland!

I’m excited to announce that I am expanding my practice to Oakland with the the staff of Foundry Clinical Group. My new office is located just north of downtown Oakland in the Pill Hill district. Foundry Clinical Group offers professional individual, group, and intensive outpatient therapy treatment for sex and love addiction as well as betrayed partners. I will continue my focus of serving the betrayed partner community at Foundry, as well as continuing to seeing clients seeking counseling for other reasons.

I look forward to connecting with you in Oakland!

Externalizing the Problem

Our language is important in how we conceptualize our life, our identity, our struggles, and our successes. Often we can join ourselves with our struggles in our language, enveloping those issues into our identity. This happens subtly, like saying “I am depressed” versus “I’m struggling with depression” or “I’m feeling depressed today.” Language can reveal if we are operating in guilt (I did something bad) or shame (I am bad). These subtle shifts in how we narrate our story can help us externalize our problems, thereby highlighting our strengths, resilience, and ability to write a new story.

Beginning to externalize the problem is all about separating ourselves from the issue. Externalizing language asks questions of the problem like, in what context does that _____ usually occur? What types of things happen right before _____ takes over? What does _______ tell you to do? For example, rather than saying “I’m depressed,” you may say “Depression really got me today,” or “I really gave into Depression’s tricks last week.”

Externalizing problems is not about abdicating responsibility, instead it’s about becoming responsible agents of our own narratives. This process of shifting our language helps us move back into the driver’s seat. Instead of things happening to us, we become active agents in our own story, accountable for our responses to events that happen. We can move from a problem-saturated narrative where we feel powerless, to a story that we choose to rewrite, highlighting our ability to resist our problem areas, celebrating our growth, and noticing our competencies.

What does your language indicate about how you conceptualize your struggles? How may it help to externalize issues to get back into the driver’s seat? What struggle can you externalize in your life now? How would you like to rewrite your story?

Tools for Emotional Regulation


When we feel emotionally overwhelmed, we often will leave our window of tolerance, which is the place where we can comfortably cope with emotions and situations that come our way. When we operate outside of our window of tolerance, we may be hyperaroused (flooded, over activated & anxious) or hypoaroused (shut down, dissociating). It’s important to have some tools that will bring you back into your window of tolerance and eventually expand your window of tolerance. One of our best weapons for emotional regulation is a tool we always have with us - our breath. There are a number of ways we can use breath to help us soothe when we feel activated. Breathing helps access our parasympathetic nervous system rather than continuing to live in our fight, flight or freeze sympathetic nervous system. Here are a few simple exercises for you to try when you feel emotionally overwhelmed.

Root Breathing
Remove your shoes, either standing or sitting, and notice the connection to the earth through your feet. Scan your body, imagining roots expanding feet deep into the earth, continuing to grow and expand to give you support. Imagine breathing in nutrients, strength, and calm from the roots, exhaling out any tension. For a guided recording, click here.

Self-Compassion Moment
Recall an unpleasant experience and notice how you feel in your body. Say out loud to yourself “This is a moment of suffering,” validating the painful moment rather than minimizing it. Say out loud to yourself “I am not alone in my suffering” and imagine others who may have gone through something similar. Finally, wonder “May I be kind to myself?” Think about what it is you need to hear to make you feel comforted, and say that to yourself aloud. For a guided recording, click here.

R.A.I.N. Breathing
In a moment of distress, breathe deeply and mindfully notice the following:
Recognize what’s going on
Allow whatever is going on to go on
Investigate with curiosity (what are the negative thoughts, where do I feel that in my body?)
Needs - Nourish yourself, what do I need?
For a guided recording, click here.

Tactical breathing
This is a breathing technique used to help you focus, not for relaxation. It’s a great tool for when you feel emotionally flooded, stressed, triggered, or need to re-direct your thoughts. Imagine tracing a square, inhaling for four counts up one side, holding for four counts across the top, exhaling for four counts down the other side, and holding for four counts across the bottom. Continue for a few repetitions, adjusting as needed.

Butterfly Hug
Place one hand on your shoulder, right below your collarbone, and cross the other on the other side. Slowly tap your hands on shoulders like a butterfly flapping its wings. As you tap slowly, breathe deeply and think of a positive memory, peaceful place of comforting person.  

5-4-3-2-1
Name 5 things you can see in the room with you.
Name 4 things you can feel (“chair on my back” or “feet on floor”)
Name 3 things you can hear right now (“air conditioning” or “tv”)
Name 2 things you can smell right now (or 2 things you like the smell)
Name 1 good thing about yourself

Somatic Experiencing
Place one hand under the other armpit next to heart, the other holding shoulder as you breathe slowly and deeply. This self-hug feeling can help self-soothe and provide a container to hold emotions. Similarly, practice placing one hand on your forehead, the other on your heart. Notice physical sensations (warmth, heart rate, mind/heart connection).

Using Essential Oils
Place one drop on hands, rub and smell for grounding.

Celebrating Mini-Milestones

Life traverses various seasons, some joyous and light, others dark and difficult. Regardless of the season you’re in now, it’s human nature to zoom in on the difficulties of a day or week and filter out the positive. It can feel natural to celebrate the big milestones in joyous season, but it takes more discipline to celebrate the little, everyday milestones that go easily unnoticed.

We are often our own worst critics, quick to offer praise to others while beating ourselves up for small mistakes. Taking the time to celebrate growth, big and small, can help reorient your perspective toward gratitude, honor your growth and progress, and help you be on the lookout for good news. This shift in perspective may also reframe the way you engage with or interpret your difficult seasons.

For example, if you’re in a difficult season in your marriage, take time to celebrate the small moments that go well: conversations that felt connecting, using your tools in conflict, a fun date night, handling a parenting situation on the same team, etc. Reinforcing these positive moments helps give encouragement to both you and your partner that you are progressing and working hard and appreciate the effort being put in. If you’re struggling with depression, take time to celebrate when you choose to reach out for support rather than isolate, when you have a good week, when you choose to exercise, etc.

Celebrating these mini-milestones can be simple - a high five, an encouraging note, giving yourself a small treat, scheduling some pamper time with a friend, going out for ice cream or coffee, etc. You may even record these mini-milestones in a journal or diary, intentionally choosing to remember and honor the progress, especially on days you need the reminders or encouragements.

Take some time to reflect on your current season of life - is it one that is primarily light and joyous, or perhaps one that feels draining and hard? How do you feel about celebration? What mini-milestone can you celebrate this week? How may you encourage someone else when you see their milestones?

Co-Addiction vs. Trauma Informed Treatment for Betrayed Partners

In the early days of sex addiction treatment, clinicians took a copy + paste approach from successful substance abuse treatment protocols and applied it to sex addiction treatment. While some of this was (and remains) helpful for treating addiction, it unfortunately misunderstood and ultimately mistreated the partners in the process. This copy + paste approach left treatment addict-centric while looking to the partner and family for support for treatment rather than understanding the family needs their own support too. It also carried the co-addict or codependent label over to the betrayed partner.

The co-dependent model can make the partner feel culpable or responsible for the addiction behaviors by somehow enabling their acting out or for the very reason of choosing an addict as a mate. This model requires the partner to also be in lifelong recovery as they unpack and release their own addictive tendencies. This left many partners feeling blamed for their spouse’s addiction and further traumatized when seeking treatment.

As new research emerged over the years, however, the field is acknowledging how poorly the partners of addicts have been treated along the way. It has become clear that the most helpful approach to supporting betrayed partners is a trauma informed lens. Rather than label with codependency or other mental health diagnoses, the trauma informed model assumes first and foremost that the partner’s responses (emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, relationally) fit those consistent with traumatic stress. Often the betrayed partner has done the best they can to adapt to an addictive system, one that they were likely unaware of until discovery of the sexually compulsive behaviors. The discovery of the behaviors plus the secrecy and double life required to keep it hidden is doubly traumatizing.

While some betrayed partners may also identify with some codependent qualities, certainly not all will fit this list. The vast majority, however, will display symptoms of traumatic response as a result of the betrayal. The trauma model empowers the partner, normalizes their responses, and holds hope that healing and restoration are possible. If you find yourself looking for healing after discovering your spouse or partner’s betrayal, I encourage you to find trauma informed support through counseling, coaching, or support groups that will journey with you this process.