Disclosure After Infidelity

There is often a mixed reaction when we talk about a full disclosure - some couples want to race into it, others are scared to face it. Sometimes one party wants it, and the other doesn't. Research shows, however, that 94% of couples that go through the full disclosure process find it to be healing, helpful, and are glad they did it.

Full disclosure is essentially the acting out partner giving a complete account to their spouse/partner of all sexual behaviors from the inception of the relationship and forward. Understandably, this is a very challenging day for both partners. Often the disclosing partner fears the information will hurt their partner, and the partner fears they may regret hearing information that they cannot unhear. Despite these potential risks, there are many benefits.

Often partners of sex addicts will experience staggered disclosure, bits and pieces of information gathered over time, either from an addict self-disclosing or being caught. Usually the information is spoken as if it's the full truth, so when more information comes along, it can be all the more traumatizing. This leaves the partners feeling uncertain if there is more information hidden and fearful of trusting again. Yet many partners need to know the full truth in order to move forward in healing the relationship. Therapeutic disclosure helps reduce that fear by creating a safe space to hear all of the acting out behavior in one setting. This is a painful day, yet the structure helps contain the trauma into one setting rather than being re-traumatized with each staggered disclosure. 

Though there may be some trepidation approaching disclosure day, the disclosing partner often reports feeling a sense of relief in having all of the secrets and information clearly out in the open. By bringing the secrets into the light, shame can dissipate and recovery can continue. The full disclosure is an important step that allows the couple to put secrets to rest, share the same information, and work through the pain to move forward.

I carefully walk couples through the disclosure process in three parts: Full Disclosure, Emotional Impact Letter, & Emotional Restitution Letter. In future blogs we'll talk more about what the next steps entail. 

If you think a full disclosure may be helpful in your journey, reach out today to get started!

Girls & Sex Event

Think about the first time you talked about sex or sexuality with someone you trusted. You were probably young, curious, maybe even afraid to ask uncomfortable questions that needed to be answered. And in our modern times, any understanding of female sexuality is met with new challenges due to the reach and influence of technology.

You may have heard me talk about Peggy Orenstein's Girls & Sex or read some of my reflections on the book. Her work has reinvigorated my passion for creating safe places to have honest and frank conversations about female sexuality in this new landscape shaped by social media and technology. 

Rather than letting young women stumble into this new terrain by themselves, a few colleagues and I have teamed up to spend a weekend honestly engaging this very conversation in January. Our hope is to equip and empower the next generation to better understand themselves and their sexuality in a healthy way through honest dialogue with safe people. 

We'll be partnering with local professional therapists and using Peggy Orenstein’s NYT bestseller Girls & Sex as a guide. This event is geared towards young high school and college aged young women. Topics include messages about sexuality, experiencing sexuality versus appearing sexy, and consent. Friday night we will hold a simultaneous parent seminar to help parents talk with their daughters about these topics in a non-shaming way.

If this sounds like the type of conversation you are eager to have, find more information & registration here! If this sounds like the type of conversation you wish you could have had 10 or 20 years ago, consider donating to our GoFundMe here to make this event available to any young woman who may be interested in participating. 

Feel free to contact me for any questions! Looking forward to seeing you there!