When you discover your partner’s sex or love addiction, you want to want to know everything. This usually yields conversations late into the night, rehashing the past in an effort to seek safety and make sense of the past. I like to call these conversations drive-by disclosure. It is profoundly disorienting to doubt your own history. Enter the formal therapeutic disclosure process, aimed at restoring dignity and providing information so you can make informed decisions about your future. (You can read more about that process here)Read More
Boundaries. A popular therapy & self-care buzz word that’s thrown around all the time. Often boundaries are presented with the metaphor of a fence separating your yards from your neighbors. You are responsible to water your own garden & take care of what’s in your yard, regardless of what’s going on in your neighbors’ side. That’s lovely, but what does that mean?Read More
Shame & guilt are universal emotions that we have all experienced. The best way to distinguish between guilt & shame is this -- guilt says “Woops, I did something wrong, I did something bad.” Shame says “I am bad, there is something wrong with me.” Small differences in language, hugely different meanings. Guilt is an uncomfortable feeling when something we’ve done, or not done, doesn’t measure up to our values. Guilt is usually specific to the experience, can be helpful and adaptive, and motivates us to change and grow. Shame, on the other hand, is the devastating feeling that there is something wrong inherently with who we are, thus making us unworthy of love and connection. Shame is typically consistent over time and experiences, a stable belief about who we are. Shame tends to be toxic, not adaptive, and is associated with depression, bullying, eating disorders, addiction, aggression, violence, and suicide.
Usually our shame messages, or negative core beliefs, develop early in life from family rules (be seen not heard, don’t be a burden, we don’t share hard feelings), family roles (the performer, the jokester, the all-star kid, the troubled kid), or from early childhood pain (abuse, bullying, family ruptures, trauma, etc.). Negative core beliefs often act as a magnet attracting evidence that supports its belief, but repelling contradictory messages. For example, someone with a negative core belief of “I’m unlovable” may have that message reinforced when a boyfriend cheats on them as a teenager, or can’t find a roommate in college, or when they feel lonely at a wedding in adulthood. These early wounds become tender buttons that get pushed in our adult lives. For instance, if someone yells at me or I feel I’m “in trouble” today as an adult, I will often feel exactly the same way I felt as a 2nd grader when I got in trouble for talking and had to pull a card in class.
We work hard to avoid feeling shame, and often turn to hiding places to numb out the uncomfortable feeling. We may use food, TV, technology, exercise, alcohol, substances, sex, porn, control, shopping, gambling, people pleasing, busyness, gaming, work or anything else to protect ourselves from feeling shame. Learning to recognize our cycle, like reaching for the ice cream after a stressful day or controlling the household when feeling afraid, can help us replace those numbing behaviors with more healthy coping. Instead of pouring another glass of wine, pick up your journal, call a friend, go for a run, or sit and meditate. Taking the time to identify our negative core beliefs can help us notice when they get triggered and use affirmations to remind ourselves of truth. Instead of spiraling into negative self-talk about being unlovable, someone may think “That’s old stuff. I know I am beloved, I am perfectly imperfect just as I am.”
Ultimately, as Brene Brown says, vulnerability is the secret superpower to fight shame:
If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive.
How can you fight shame today? Healing your shame may help impact your family for generations.
Many people aren’t taught what boundaries are or how to properly set them. Just like any new skill, learning to set boundaries can feel clumsy and awkward at first. As you learn how to set boundaries, you may run into some common myths:
1. Setting boundaries is mean.
I hear this one a lot, “I don’t want to be mean, but… I feel so rude!” When you are used to accommodating other people's’ needs and ignoring your own, setting boundaries can feel cold. Boundaries are not meant to control or manipulate others, they are intended to protect you from being taken advantage of.
2. Boundaries are punishment.
While there may be natural consequences involved in boundaries, they are not intended to be punitive in nature. Boundaries exist to say, “here is my line in the sand, please don’t cross it. If you do cross it, I will need to ____ in order to take care of myself.” Boundaries exist to protect and care for the boundary maker, not punish the boundary breaker.
3. Boundaries are selfish.
People that struggle to set and maintain boundaries often also struggle with disappointing others. In her research on vulnerability, Brene Brown found that the most compassionate people were also the most boundaried. Setting and keeping boundaries allows you to have your needs and self-care met, allowing you to be more genuinely present to the emotional state of others. Think of how airlines tell you to put your oxygen mask on before helping someone else; it is not selfish to protect yourself.
4. Boundaries are permanent.
You have the right to change your mind at any time. If a boundary isn’t working or something changes, boundaries can always be renegotiated.
5. People won’t respect my boundaries.
Boundaries are not designed to change or control other people’s behavior. The only thing you can control is yourself and the only boundary you can successfully enforce is your own. Boundaries do not depend on other people bending to your wishes, but rather on your ability to consistently follow through on your needs. Other people respecting your boundaries is much less important than you respecting yourself enough to keep them.